Death is not an option when you are in love. For the rest of humanity, not you or me, I am not entertaining enough. But if I could crucify myself for other people’s peace of mind, I would, just as if that made a metaphysical difference in their lives. Yeah right, but that’s why you love me as if I was for real alive.

I am not a naturally happy person so there’s no reason for me to pretend. That, in itself; the acceptance of the fact is a reward of its own. I am just trying not to be tired. I guess if you love someone like me, you should know that sometimes my heart is transfixed in the aura of it’s own indifference. I feel anxious and impaled in a neurotic desire to calm myself by denying it. It’s hard to leap in and out. I stopped writing to smile and breath every once in a while. That was helpful but it took longer than I thought it would, and I guess that might be a good thing. But then I fell silent inside and outside. I think you might find that off-putting. I did not mean to come across like that. So I am sorry. You can come back to me if you want. My story or my heart could probably be more inviting, but it’s just not. But once upon a time, there was me, and that’s just that. This is my heart and it is what it is.